Such a Child
by Pergjithshme
Summary: While on the road to Rivendell, the Dwarves find themselves saddled with an adolescent Elf. Hilarity ensues. No one who authored this fanfiction owns any of the licensed products/characters/titles/things/etc. mentioned in said fanfiction.
1. Chapter 1: A Hunting Surprise

_**Author's notes: I'm actually Tolkien risen from the dead and also the sky is green.**_

"Well, come on then!"

Bofur and Kili were out on a brief excursion to get some fresh meat while the others waited in the campsite.

"You'd really think there'd be some sort of animal around here," Bofur chuckled. Kili nodded, then held his hand up for quiet. Bofur silenced and began to look around, listening carefully. From one of the trees above, a faint rustling came. Kili whirled towards the sound and let fly. He lowered his arms and stood expectantly, waiting for the crashing down of some small animal. None came.

He and Bofur glanced at each other, then began cautiously approaching the tree, weapons held at the ready.

Just then, something fell out of the tree. Both Kili and Bofur jumped.

"It's a person!" Kili exclaimed, running with Bofur over to the prone figure. Bofur knelt to check for vitals.

"Alive, but out cold," he confirmed.

"What should we do?" Kili asked. "It-they-them needs help!"

Bofur looked doubtfully at the figure. "I think it'd be too ungainly to carry by myself."

In answer, Kili bent and grabbed the ankles. Bofur grabbed under the shoulders and off they went.

"Ermmm..." Bofur had stopped short, leading Kili to almost drop his half of the burden as he continued going.

"What is it?" Kili asked as he craned over his shoulder for a good look.

"It's...well, it's an Elf." Bofur had a very strange expression on his face, as he stood supporting the arms of the person, whose hair had slipped enough to reveal a pointy ear.

Kili felt the same expression reflected onto his own face. "Um..."

A few moments passed.

"Thorin isn't going to be happy."

"Do we have a choice?"

"Best get 'em to Oin then."

They continued on their way.

_**Don't make me beg…you know you want to.**_


	2. Chapter 2: A Fourth Addition

_**Author's notes: This is almost twice as long as the last chapter!**_

…_**not that that's very much of an accomplishment.**_

_**(We'll pretend it is though.)**_

"Wait."

Kili ground to a stop and looked back at Bofur. "What is it?"

"Maybe we should-" Bofur was interrupted by a blonde prince springing from some bushes. (No, it wasn't Legolas. Goodness.)

"Hey guys I was at the edge of the camp and heard you coming and..._is THAT_-"

"SHHH!" Both Kili and Bofur cut him off.

Fili silenced and looked dubiously at their baggage. "You know, when Thorin sent you out for some fresh meat I don't think this is what he had in mind."

"We know, we know, it's just that..." Kili trailed off.

"It's just that...what?" Fili prompted him.

"It's a long story, lad," sighed Bofur, his ear-flaps despondent. "I've been trying to decide the best way to break it to Thorin." At this, the princes looked at him hopefully. Bofur shrugged and shook his head. "Sorry. I've got nothing."

Fili shifted his weight as he considered the problem.

"Hey, as long as we're talking this through can we put the Elf down?"

"That's a good idea, lad, me arms are gettin' tired."

After carefully resting the Elf on the side of the small forest-path, the three stood around and consulted.

"Erm..." Fili shifted awkwardly. "She's...uh...alive?" It was a question.

Kili nodded, oblivious to Bofur's suddenly stricken face. "Yeah, she's alive, just uncon-" That's when it hit him. "Wait, _she_?"

They all turned slowly to look at the figure lying prone on the ground. The cloak it was wearing had bunched up slightly around the neck, revealing the stranger to be most certainly female.

Then, as with unspoken consent, they all whipped back around and what was previously simply a close group was now most certainly a huddle.

"Okay, this either makes things a whole lot easier or a whole lot harder."

"I'm betting a whole lot harder."

"Agreed."

"Wait, so you didn't know it was a girl?" This was Fili.

"Well…"

Fili shot incredulous looks at both of them. "So you saw this random person and didn't even bother to check what _gender_ it was before carting it towards our _campsite_?"

Bofur mentally reflected that if Thorin-impressions were anything to go by, Fili would certainly be a great king one day.

"It's not that simple…" and together Kili and Bofur proceeded to relate those things you already know.

After the (somewhat disorganized and chaotic) explanation was over, Fili sighed and rubbed his temples. "I suppose there's no helping it." After a bit more conversation, interspersed with covert glances towards the passed-out Elf, they settled on a plan. "Let's get this straight," Fili said. "I'll distract Thorin while you two bring her to Oin. Once Oin gets his hands on her-" Fili stopped at the slight snickers of the other two. "That was awkward phrasing, but you _knew what I meant_!" Fili gave his head a frustrated shake. "After we get her to Oin, we've been successful. Got it?"

Kili and Bofur nodded in assent. The three broke their huddle and went over to the yet-unconscious Elf. Bofur rearranged her cloak the way it was previously before grasping under her shoulders. "No sense in Thorin having too many shocks at once if we can help it," he explained himself to Fili's raised eyebrow and Kili's snicker.

Fili nodded. "It's a good idea."

Still stifling a snicker, Kili picked her up by her feet.

"Okay, let's go."

_**Review?**_


	3. Chapter 3: A Distraction Ploy

_**Author's notes: Another long chapter! (for me, anyway)**_

Fili entered the camp. He knew Kili and Bofur were right behind him, and he had only a matter of minutes, if that. He looked around, and felt his heart sink to his boots. Thorin was at the opposite edge of the clearing, speaking to _Oin_. Fili cast his glance around, desperate for a solution to present itself. His eyes settled on Ori, who was scribbling in his journal nearby to where Kili and Bofur were going to come out of the surrounding forest. Fili closed his eyes briefly and prayed that everything would time out correctly, then swiftly walked over to Ori.

Ori was startled out of his concentration by a hand on his shoulder and Fili's voice in his ear. "I'm going to do something; please just go along with it."

By the time Ori managed to look up Fili was halfway across the clearing.

"Oin!" Fili cried as he ran up. Oin and Thorin turned to face him. "Ori wanted to talk to you."

"He did?" Oin looked over at Ori. "He looks perfectly normal to me. Did he say why?"

"Uh, no. Just that he wanted to talk to you. And that it was urgent," Fili added as an afterthought.

Thorin grunted. "Best go over to the lad and see what he wants."

Oin nodded. "Very well then, I'll take my leave."

Thorin and Fili watched as he trotted over to Ori. Fili shifted position so that in order to look at him, Thorin's back would be to Ori, and more importantly, Oin. "Uhm, Uncle…"

Thorin turned to him. "Yes?"

"I wanted to ask you about…" Fili looked over at Oin. Kili and Bofur weren't there yet. Thorin noticed where Fili's gaze was and turned around to look.

"I wanted to ask about…" Thorin turned back to Fili with a curious expression, then around again as Fili trailed off.

Thorin couldn't take it anymore. "For Mahal's sake, Fili! What are you looking at?"

"Oh!" Fili jerked back to his uncle. "Nothing. I was just wondering when Kili and Bofur were going to get here." Fili could have kicked himself. Thankfully, Thorin didn't turn around.

"Don't worry, I'm sure they'll be back soon."

Fili didn't dare to look full-on at Oin, but going by the sudden appearance of more figures in his peripheral vision, Kili and Bofur had arrived. Now were the most crucial moments. "I…wanted to ask you if you had any thread!" Fili mentally winced. _That's_ what he came up with under pressure?

Thorin looked at him oddly. "Yes, why?"

"I lost mine and my shirt has a tear in it."

Thorin gave him a suspicious look, but apparently decided it wasn't worth it. "It's in my pack."

"Thanks Uncle!" Fili ran off, congratulating himself on a job well done. As he dug through Thorin's pack for the thread (his shirt _did _have a rip in it, actually), he listened intently to the soft murmurings that were Oin, Kili, and Bofur.

A giggle. That was Kili.

"Poor lass—" That was Bofur.

"Here, lift her head—" That was Oin.

"Ori, I was wondering—" That was the Hobbit. Fili stiffened. The Hobbit? This wasn't going to end well.

"—if you kn—WHO IS _THAT_?!"

The camp quieted, and Fili felt every gaze turning towards the small group. Dreading what he was going to see, he turned as well.

Kili and Bofur looked like dwarflings caught pinching cookies. Fili wondered if he looked like that too. He probably did.

He risked a glance at Thorin. _Bad idea._

_**REVIEW! Your king commands you!**_


	4. Chapter 4: A King's Wrath

_**Author's notes: Another chapter! Again! I'm spoiling all you readers who may or may not actually exist! EDIT: I have a review! Thanks to: wrmauney! :)**_

"An Elf! You brought an _Elf_ to our camp. What _possessed _you? You do know our mission is of the highest secrecy, and we can't have _Elves_ in the middle of it!"

Bofur opened his mouth to try and explain, but shut it with a snap. He had seen enough of Thorin berating his nephews to know how absolutely useless protestations—no matter how understandable, let alone valid—were when Thorin was in a right rage. He snuck a glance over to the nephews, who were standing with bowed heads, listening quietly and without comment to the lecture. _They have a lot of practice,_ Bofur reflected. As much as he respected his king, Bofur was a grown dwarf, and besides, the lecture was not directed at him as much as it was to the rambunctious young ones—_despite the fact that I had as much of a part in it as they did,_ Bofur reflected—so he felt no compunctions about stepping to the side and tuning out the rest of the lecture, which seemed liable to go on for another five minutes at least.

Bofur thought back to the events of the past ten minutes. He and Kili had hidden in the trees, just behind where Oin was speaking with Ori. On the opposite end of the clearing, Fili was talking to Thorin, who had his back to them. _Good lad!_ Bofur had mentally praised the blonde. He and Kili, as quietly and unobtrusively as they could, lay the Elf at the edge of the clearing and beckoned Oin over. After that, it was a flurry of helping Oin, taking off and spreading her cloak to lay her on and putting one of Ori's knitted contraptions under her head for a pillow. After that it was but a few brief moments of anxious hovering before that blasted Hobbit pointed out to the entire camp their new guest. Bofur felt bad for feeling bitter towards the Hobbit—Thorin would have found out sooner or later after all—but _really_? Of all the—but there, what's done is done.

He remembered looking up in time to see Thorin whirl around, then cross the clearing in great, furious strides, while Fili looked on, horrified. He had felt somewhat caught, which was ridiculous considering what he had done was really the only right thing to do. Well, maybe tricking Thorin wasn't the best, but helping the Elf was. Then again, Thorin's angry glare was enough to spark guilt, however unwarranted, in anyone. _Thorin has a Sally May glare!_ was Bofur's sudden realization, and he had to fight the urge to shriek with unholy laughter. Laughter would not have helped anything whatsoever.

Thorin had demanded of Oin what he was doing, to which Oin responded that he was treating a patient. In response to all the other questions, demands, and comments that Thorin had, Oin simply pretended to be deaf. _Being old comes in handy sometimes…_ Bofur reflected.

With Oin patently ignoring him, Thorin had reverted to taking out his anger on his nephews, which he was still doing now.

Bofur was startled out of his reverie by a hand on his shoulder and a female voice in his ear. "The screamy one is Thorin, right?"

_**AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA**_

'_**Kay go review now. **_


	5. Chapter 5: A Diabolical Announcement

_**Author's notes: AHHHH I forgot to mention in the last chapter that there was a Hank the Cowdog (excellent children's series, by the way) reference stuck in there. Did any of you see it?**_

Bofur turned around to face the voice. He had to look up, as it was an Elf who spoke. The brown hair he had already seen of course, but it took on a new light attached to a moving person rather than one passed out on the ground. The eyes were brown and laughing, but not in an adult way, but more like a child wickedly amused at something that wouldn't be appropriate for an adult to laugh at. The grin widened, and Bofur realized that Kili and Fili were aware of the Elf's newly awake status, as they were staring past Thorin to the laughing one. Taking stock of the hush that had fallen over the camp—barring Thorin's impassioned ranting of course—Bofur realized that Kili and Fili were the last in the camp to realize that their guest had rejoined the land of the living.

Excepting Thorin, of course, who had not seen his nephews' gazes as he himself was staring into the distance, no doubt seeing Erebor in full glory, lecturing them on the importance of upholding the Durin line and the pride of the Dwarves.

Bofur felt a movement at his side. He turned his head towards the movement, only to see the Elf's ear-splitting grin and have a sudden sense of foreboding.

A sense of foreboding that was quickly justified as the Elf continued on, only to stop directly behind the rightful King Under the Mountain. The Elf paused a moment, taking a deep breath and apparently relishing the looks on Fili and Kili's faces, which were equal parts horror and awe. Then she cleared her throat and loudly said,

"So what's this fancy quest to Erebor you've been going on about?"

_***dives for cover***_

_***peeks out* I promise the next one will be longer!**_

_***hides again***_


End file.
